Wow... I am probably the worst blogger out there......

Hi again to my single follower. An update to my life.

I'm not seeing the sexy Irishman anymore.
I dated a cowboy for awhile. That just ended. End of love life update.

I'm going to keep the title the same, because I have decided that I'm too young to give up on my dreams, and I'm going to hate myself if I don't even try. I may not be a rock star, but i wanna sing. Maybe I will act and sing, because, hey, I really enjoy acting as well.

Also, I know my grammar sucks right now. There are probably a million typos in here and run on sentences that don't make any sense, but deal with it. I just got back from the company Christmas party my work held, it's past 1 a.m. and I'm finally getting tired, ok? So deal with it.

I'm staying up because I was hoping someone would have an after after party that wasn't at the bar so I could at least hang out and socialize for a bit, but no one wants to... I think they suck right now... Only because I'm jealous though. Everyone's out having a good time, but I'm stuck at home bored, because I'm not legal to hang out in a bar, even if I'm not going to drink.... Gr....

Also, I'm moving to an entirely new city in May/June ish time. I'm very excited. It's going to be an adventure. :) So wish me luck!

Again, it's been quite some time.... Funny how life gets in the way.

So.... Ya know that sweet sexy Irishman I told you about??? Things are really complicated. We were sort of doing a fwb thing, but I have feelings for him. He was trying to move to Kalispell but now he might stay because he's going to be making 12 an hour..... It's just really... Ugh, I don't even want to talk about it.

Also, I might have to change the name of my blog because..... As much as I would love to sing for a career, I'm honestly not sure I'm good enough. I've got a little raw talent and with some work I'd be pretty good, but unless I was a total sell out poser, I don't think I could make it. And I don't want to be a fake, ya know? However, my room mate and I were talking and we think we struck gold with one of our ideas. Open up a cafe thats a cafe during the day, BUT a NIGHT CLUB at night. This town doesn't have ANY night clubs. It has a lot of bars, but the law here is that you can't be in a bar unless you're 21 and older so.... What do teenagers and adults who aren't 21 yet have to do around here? NOTHING. We think it's a pretty bomb idea and I think I could handle living here if it had those things, ya know? And as she pointed out, I could sing there. I was thinking of doing a Burlesque-ish themed place, ya know? Only that would be a couple nights a week. The rest it would just be for dancing, ya know? And then on one or two nights a week, I could go  sing, yeah? So I'm pretty stoked. It's not exactly what I had in mind, but if I can pull it off, I think it's almost as good as my dream..... :)

Hello Again!

To all the followers I may or may not have, I'm very sorry for not posting in such a long time. Life got kinda crazy and I haven't been on the computer a whole lot. So a lot of thing have happened since I last posted. Where to begin?

4th of July-
WORST HOLIDAY EVER.
So, I already had a strong dislike for this holiday before this year. I don't like fireworks to begin with. The only good thing about it is BARBEQUES!!!! However, this year I didn't get the big barbeque like I normally do. Instead I worked a double and that evening my dog got hit by a car. He spent a very long time in the vet hospital. He just got out a couple days ago. So that was my 4th.

Also, I've been ill pretty much all summer. I've been on antibiotics for probably almost all of it. Started with a sinus infection. Then a UTI. Then an infection. Then another UTI. For those of you who don't know what a UTI is, it's a Urinary Tract Infection and it's awful. It hurts to pee, or it hurts when you realize you need to pee. Sometimes it makes you feel like you have to pee very very frequently and it's not like "Oh I kinda gotta use the restroom" it's "I GOTTA PEE RIGHT NOW" out of NOWHERE. So that's my summer so far.

Also, I went out to karaoke and ran into this girl that thinks I'm a boyfriend stealing slut. I had been out at the lake all day and hadn't been home, I'd been with a friend who is quite a bit larger than me. (It's not hard to do I'm a pretty tiny person) Anyways, I was in a bathing suit and in one of her t-shirts that was as long as a dress on me. I had no shorts or pants because she had none that would fit me. I was also in her heels. So this girl tried to look down on me and imply with her tone of voice and her sneer that I was beneath her. I laughed. I was in a bathing suit. I could have run around with just that and the heels and I still wouldn't have thought the outfit was slutty. I told her so. She didn't have a come back. It was wonderful.

So I've been single, and I've gone out of my way to keep it that way. I've been trying to leave this town forever, but this sweet sexy Irishman came along and now I guess I'm still single but I'm kinda seeing him. Does that make any sense? Anyways, the point is I'm not trying to stay single anymore. I don't know what exactly I'm doing, but I'm definitely not going out of my way to avoid dating....

I think that's about it......

My First Gay Pride Celebration

So, yesterday, Friday, I went to my first gay pride celebration. It was in Bozeman, Montana and it was FABULOUS! They had a drag show and almost everyone was amazing. There was this one drag queen who was a little bland, but she was still gorgeous. It was so much fun. At first I was really shy, I was worried that they would all be stuck up because almost all the homosexuals I know in my town are super stuck up, but once I got the courage to start talking to people they were really cool. I met so many new people, sadly I'm terrible with name so I don't really remember any of their names. Except Randi, who I think may be my new best friend. Seriously, I started talking to him and we had that instant connection. He's so fantastic, and he's really great at dressing in drag. He showed me some pictures off of his phone and I didn't realize it was him. He makes a really hot woman, which is odd, because he's also a really hot man. You wouldn't think you could do both but he definitely can. I also met this super sexy asian lesbian, unfortunately she has a girlfriend. She still danced with me though, which is awesome because girl can dance. I loved it. I told her I wanted one of her to take home with me. It made her laugh which made me feel good. I like making people laugh. I didn't get back into town until 2a.m. and it was totally worth it. That was my experience. With a lot left out.

So Much Info for One Post

So I haven't written on here in awhile, and well I have some juicy stuff to talk about.

Yesterday was Wednesday and my town does this things every Wednesday (while the weather permits) called Alive @ Five. If you hadn't guessed by the weather comment, it takes place outside. It's an excuse for people to drink in public while listening to generally really shitty(excuse the terrible language, but I thought the terrible language was fitting) cover bands, and mingle. There are also vendors selling stuff. One sells really cool jewelry, sadly I haven't had the money to buy any in quite some time. I'm rambling so I'll stop, since I'm getting off topic. The reason I tell you about Alive @ Five is this, I go every Wednesday, mingle with friends, and have a generally mundane time. Very predictable. However, yesterday got spontaneous and exciting. While hanging out at Alive @ Five I got an invitation to crash a bachelor party at the closest strip club we have. Could I possibly pass up this opportunity? I think not. So I went. It was FANTASTIC. Not only did I get to watch attractive girls take their clothes off (and don't judge strippers, ok? Support the single mothers and college students of this world. :P) and dance and kiss and bite me, but I also got hit on by an attractive 29 year old from a nearby town. She called me. :) Oh yeah, I'm awesome. Anyways, so this 29 year old sexy lady and I were dancing, kissing and biting, and we had almost the entire club watching us instead of the stripper on stage, and we weren't even taking our clothes off. Which made me feel a little bad because the stripper was there to make money and we were just having a good time but... Oh well. It was fun. So that was my first time to a strip club. I got home at about 3 a.m. yesterday morning because it is now very early friday morning. I started writing this late Thursday night and I don't feel like going back and changing the time. Just so you're not confused. So anyways, I got home, made food, went to sleep. Got up around 2 this afternoon, went to work at 5, got home sometime late Thursday night, started writing this, and now here we are.

If you have been keeping up with me, in an earlier blog post, I went on a rampage about my work hours. If not this is how it goes. Ya know how most people complain about long hours with not enough pay? I would kill to be one of them, because I was the person complaining about not enough hours with not enough pay. Ok well I really don't have a problem with how much I'm paid, I just have a problem with having NO HOURS. Guess what? That's all changed. Oh yeah! Guess who has SEVEN WHOLE SHIFTS NEXT WEEK? I DO!!!!

That has been the latest edition to my blog. Thanks for reading. Tune in again sometime.
Bre

The Rage Final Draft (Maybe..... XD)

I feel it lurking,
like my shadow,
it's always with me,
not always visible,
but it's just waiting,
to make it's presence known.
I'm pissed off
So I'm going to scream it all out.
I'm hurting,
So I'll take the pain and lay it all down
I wanted you to know,
It doesn't matter now, It doesn't matter now
It's a fire,
not comforting,
like the fire in the hearth,
but terrrifying,
like the raging flames,
of an out of control forest fire.
I'm pissed off
So I'm going to scream it all out.
I'm hurting,
So I'll take the pain and lay it all down
I wanted you to know,
It doesn't matter now, It doesn't matter now
It is a rage,
that turns my sight,
into a crimson blur.
It's not always seen,
but it's always felt,
I'm pissed off
So I'm going to scream it all out.
I'm hurting,
So I'll take the pain and lay it all down
I wanted you to know,
It doesn't matter now, It doesn't matter now
it's a ghost,
just one step away,
from becoming the demon,
inside of me.
I'm pissed off
So I'm going to scream it all out.
I'm hurting,
So I'll take the pain and lay it all down
I wanted you to know,
It doesn't matter now, It doesn't matter now
There's no more shadow, only light.
Finally the ghost rest, the fire dies.
The crimson fades, my vision is replaced.
There's no more rage, there's no more rage.

You Learn Something New Everyday....

Ok, well maybe not everyday, but this saying popped into my head the other day while I got an over load of information at the doctor's office.

I had to go to the doctor for several reasons. Most urgent reason, I had a UTI. At the time it was just a guess, but they confirmed my suspicions. Two, I had to once again, ask for some relief for my period symptoms (this was where most of the information over load came from), and three, I'm not sleeping well at all. No matter how tired I am, I just don't get sleep. Not even cuddling helped, which is odd, because it's proven that cuddling helps, even if it's just a friend.

So the information over load was this. I told my new doctor all the stuff I told my old doctor. I get extremely tired close to and while I am on my period. I have severe back aches, cramps, and headaches. While all these aches are common, they aren't supposed to be debilitating, and mine sometimes are. Also, fatigue as bad as mine also is not common. So my doctor is guess I have endomitriosis, or at least I think that's what she said. The fatigue is most likely caused by low iron levels. So guess what? I got to have a bunch of blood drawn. Not only did she want a healthy blood sample to get an idea what my healthy blood levels are like, she needed more to check the iron and some other things. My blood is going to confirm or refute her hunch. Anyways, what I learned about endomitriosis from her is that it can cause all these horrible things and on the bright side (no I'm not being sarcastic when I say this, just so you know) I might not be able to have children. I'm perfectly fine with this. I'm not really a baby person. When I get a bit older, and hopefully have plenty of money, I want to adopt older kids that people generally don't want. The ones right on the cusp of being ineligible for adoption because they are so old. So yay, I might not be able to get accidentally pregnant because I might not be able to get pregnant at all! It can also cause lots of other things, but I'm sure you're tired of the biology lesson on female anatomy gone wrong. If not, I suggest you google it because I am tired of giving you a biology lesson.

Another suggestion for the day:
Drink lots of water. You never know when your doctor will want to take your blood and if you're dehydrated your veins are smaller and makes it harder on them. I would know, it happened to me. On top of that, when they did find a vein capable of taking blood from, it played rolly polly, but I don't think drinking water will help that. So for your sake, I hope your veins aren't the rolly polly kind of veins.

This has been another life experience shared with you from a girl who dreams of being a rock star. Have a good rest of your morning/day/night or whatever phase of the day it is. Tune in next time for a rambling you'll probably forget soon after reading,
Bre

This Has Got To Be Some Awful Joke....

So, I work at the Applebees here in Helena, and I started as a hostess. They "bumped" me up to server, talking like it's some sort of promotion, but it seriously doesn't feel like one. I mean, if I make a terrible server, they can "bump" me back on down to hostess. I was working from 10:30 a.m. to 8 or later with usually only a half hour break around 4 to eat, and I was fine with that. I had no problem with working that many hours a day. I was making almost 400 a paycheck, not including tip out. I busted my freakin' ass and I would still be busting my ass if I had the time to bust my ass. Monday fucking night I was ON TIME FOR MY SHIFT and my co-worker (we'll call her Ashley for privacy reasons) was late. She wasn't there yet. My boss screwed with the seating chart changing the sections around. Guess who had all the empty tables, and guess who he moved into a section that was entirely full. I'll give you a hint, the person who was on time didn't have any empty tables, and the person who wasn't even there yet had the nearly empty section. THAT IS SUCH BULL SHIT IT'S NOT EVEN FUNNY!!!!! "Ashley's" section should have been the full section. Then, today, for my a.m. serving shift, I had ONE table and then they sent me home. I mean, I understand that they can't control business flow, but still. If it's going to be like this, they should lessen the number of servers on the floor and GIVE ME BETTER SECTIONS where I can stay longer and actually make money.

Sorry for the lack of eloquence in this post, I'm just so infuriated with my job right now that my I.Q. has literally dropped from the amount of anger I currently possess. I am one step away from a homicidal rampage worthy of making me into an episode of Snapped. Not like I actually watch that show, but I know what it's about enough to know that if I went on a homicidal rampage it would be perfect criteria for an episode.

I promise that I'm speaking figuratively when I talk about a homicidal rampage. I won't actually kill anybody. However, I might quit my job. Might as well. I'm not making any money!!!!!!

If you're still with me, thanks for reading. Have a good night,
Bre

The Rage

Yet another writing I wanted to turn into a song. I think if I can just write a good chorus I could easily turn it into a song. In fact I noticed three places where the chorus (if it existed) would fit nicely while I was writing and put spaces in those places.

I feel it lurking,
like my shadow,
it's always with me,
not always visible,
but it's just waiting,
to make it's presence known.

It's a fire,
not comforting,
like the fire in the hearth,
but terrrifying,
like the raging flames,
of an out of control forest fire.

It is a rage,
that turns my sight,
into a crimson blur.

It's not always seen,
but it's always felt,
it's a ghost,
just one step away,
from becoming the demon,
inside of me.

So if you think you've got a good idea for a chorus, let me know.

I Think I Have Reached the Peak of Exhaustion

So, today I worked host, then came back to work a second shift this evening as To Go, which also means I have to help the hosts. Maybe all of the flooding (which I will go into greater detail about after ranting about work) is the reason we were extra busy this evening. Anyways, tonight I was taking To Go orders, expoditing (definition-putting the finishing touches on the food once it's on the plate or, in my case, the To Go boxes) To Go orders, bussing tables, seating people, running food to the tables, and running my To Go orders out to the vehicles. I'm exhausted. I haven't worked this hard since I double hosted Valentines Day. On top of all this, I started my period so I've been in extreme pain as always happens all day.

So, to go into great detail on the flooding.... I don't know if anyone knows anything about the Helena area, but we have this very large creek called the Prickly Pear Creek that runs from somewhere in the mountains through East Helena and all through the East Valley. Today, the dam on the Prickly Pear Creek broke. JFK Park, which is located right along the Prickly Pear Creek in East Helena, is currently completely under water. Anyone who lives along the Prickly Pear Creek have yards under water. I'm not sure how many inches, I believe it varies. Also, for the first time in some 30+ or 40+ years, the Canyon Ferry Dam has it's flood gates FULLY OPEN. Fort something or other (I can't remember the name at this current moment in time) also has it's flood gates wide open. There is flooding all along the Missouri because of this. Anyways, today we had another rain storm (as if we haven't gotten enough rain in the last two weeks) and the Prickly Pear Dam broke. The North Valley is also flooded all over, because of Ten Mile Creek. Half of the Helena area is on evacuation alerts, just in case they need to get out in a hurry. It's pretty insane. Wylie Drive is one of the roads along the Prickly Pear Creek, and it so happens that it's one of the roads I take to get home from town, and I completely spaced all the flooding after the day I had at work, and for about 30 seconds when I first saw the little pink sign, I was worried I would have to turn around and take a different way home. Thank goodness the road wasn't flooded, although it's VERY close. The water is right under the bridge that runs over the creek. On my way home I saw that all the yards along the east side of the road were flooded. Most of them were under at least 4 inches of water, and most places were probably under more. It was insane.

Also, just an update, not like my reader(s) will care since you (or all of you) are out of town (most likely), but I'm going to be working doubles at work as much I can. I'm trying to move to California, or maybe Hawaii(I'm not sure I can leave my car though....), and I need to save up A LOT of money. So here's to work becoming my life until I can get out of this shit hole called Montana. Ok, Montana isn't entirely a shit hole. The air quality is great, the scenery is gorgeous when it's warm (and not flooded), and it's pretty peaceful, but I'm not gonna lie, when you hate the cold and wind as much as I do, Montana is not the place you want to be after September and before June. Some years are even bad all year round. Like last year. Windy and cloudy all summer. Barely had any decent days for lake trips. So, if you didn't get my point already, I'm trying to run.

I tire of ranting, so peace, love, laugh, and have fun.

Bre

My Intentions With This Blog

As you might have guessed from reading the title, I'm using my first post to sort of give greater detail to my reasons for starting this blog, although from the title of the blog itself you might have already guessed. I'm using this blog to document my attempt at becoming a rockstar. I know, my chances are like one in a million, but I will never know if I'm that one in a million if I don't try, right? So anyways, I'm going to be documenting that while also talking about life in general. If I get any followers, I might ask for help, like maybe I'm writing a song but it's just not coming out right. And of course if I ever make it "Big Time" I will list you as a co-writer. :) Or give you some credit for your help in the making of said song, or maybe give you credit for being my inspiration if that's what you were. I will make sure you get credit where it is due. How does that sound? Good, right?

Speaking of needing help, I'm going to tack in this poem I wrote, because I want to make a song with it somehow, or at least use the general idea of the poem for a song, but.... I got stuck. :) So to anyone who has read this and reads the poem that will be following here shortly, got any ideas?

Silence

Searching. Searching.
Always searching.
For the song.
The voice.
The Sound.
That will fill
This vast profound silence
Yet no song
No voice
No Sound
Can fill this silence
All they do
Is make a noise
And leave echoes, ghosts
In their wake
And then
Silence

So I'm still searching
Always searching
For the song
The voice
The sound
That will fill
The Silence